Think of the President Donald Trump/Kim Jong Un bromance as the updated version of “An Affair to Remember” and “Sleepless in Seattle.”
In “Trump and Kim: An Affair That Makes Us Lose Sleep,” Trump puts it all on the line. (The updated part is he does this via mushy tweet, of course.) He lets Kim know he will be at the top of the Empire State Building - no, wait, that’s not it - at the North Korea/South Korea border and if Kim doesn’t show up, well, he’ll never get to marry Meg Ryan and the kid’s going to be motherless forever.
You could cut the tension with a rusty spike of barbed wire made into a belt. Just to pick a random torture device favored by Trump’s “very good friend.”
The coy “meet me?” tweet by Trump was as impossible to fathom as the brutal chest beatings that only stop when you’re done vomiting blood in a typical Kim-sanctioned “interrogation.”
Very. Good. Friend.
Will he? Won’t he? It’s the stuff of Hollywood dramas. A meet-cute in arguably the most un-cute location on the planet.
Trump admitted if Kim had stood him up, it would’ve looked bad. Nobody wants to get stood up. Remember how we were twisting in the wind (another Kim torture go-to, by the way) wondering if Tom Hanks would make it to Meg Ryan in time? How we were elated to see Meg turn, slowly, from a corner of the observation deck and we knew at that moment, their love story was just beginning. Glory be!
And, so it was with Trump who didn’t even seem to mind Kim’s noticeable “resting dictator scowl” throughout much of their date. While Trump preened and posed, his hand gently resting on Kim’s middle back like the smitten suitor escorting his prom date into a gym transformed into “A Starry, Starry Night!” Kim looked, well, bored. As in, “When can I leave and resume drowning children in water tanks? The best part is when they stand on their tiptoes gasping for air ...”
Kim’s glowing praise of Trump didn’t match his gloomy Gus face as Trump yakked about crossing into North Korea with the excitement of a second grader playing Red Rover.
“Red Rover, Red Rover, send Kim Jong Un, who has not only lied about reducing nuclear weapons but there’s evidence nukes are actually being manufactured with startling rapidity despite what he tells me ... over.”
When Kim and the Supreme Simpleton stepped together over the Korean Demilitarized Zone into North Korea, Trump must have wanted to tweet the Nobel Committee. (Hashtag “Waiting for phone call from you.” Hashtag “Obama who?”)
Afterward Trump explained his “pop over” to the media: “Hey, I was in Japan already, so I’m thinking why not?”
Why indeed? I suppose Kim read the impromptu invitation and thought to himself: “What part of ‘I randomly starve to death my countrymen, forcing them to live only on rats they catch with their hands does this guy not get?’”
That’s easy. All of it.
Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist.