Dr. Don Newbury

 Uncle Mort, my 96-year-old kin down in the thicket, may have the largest “alibi collection” on the planet.

   “I’ve banked on alibis to wiggle out of predicaments since Hector was a pup,” he laughed. “The way I figure it, alibis and fibs are first cousins. Liberal dependence on both keeps us off the slippery slope of outright lies.”

   I felt yawns coming on as Mort rambled. My eyes widened, though, when he offered an alibi for the Dallas Cowboys’ 7-6 football win over the Washington Redskins….

   I had heard him offer alibis on thousands of subjects over the years, but this was the first time in memory that he’d made excuses for a win.

   He blamed the Boys’ poor offensive showing on oxygen deprivation.

   “If they had lost, they could’a blamed it on a bunch of school kids determined to make the Guinness Book of World Records,” my uncle maintained….

   My curiosity aroused, I was determined to hear him out.

   He was happy to oblige, explaining that earlier in the week, a crowd of 4,626 Arlington eighth-graders gathered at Dallas Cowboys Stadium to learn CPR techniques shown on the giant screen.Guinness officials have confirmed this to be the largest CPR training session ever held, topping the old record by almost a thousand.

   “Those kids dang nigh pumped all the oxygen out of the place, causing the Boys’ offense to be light-headed,” Mort surmised. “I’m shore ‘nuff glad that their defense sucked it up.”…

   I attended a high school football play-off game there recently. Add me to the list of people overwhelmed by this $1.2 billion venue which is billed as the largest covered athletic facility in the world.

   It is surreal, commanding more attention than the glitzy ads, or, for that matter, play on the field. And, as cameras pan the stands, smiling, hand-waving fans ham it up for their “15 seconds of fame.”

   The old claim is that you “can’t know the players without a program.” At the new Stadium, you can’t know the score without binoculars, and, until recent days, there was no permanent American flag to salute….

   The stadium indeed has four scoreboards—one for each quadrant. Surely they sent the wrong ones; these seem better suited for a junior high school field. Eyes squint to locate the ‘boards marked as “home” and “away.” The long and the short of it is that they are tiny in a cavernous place where “big” reigns.

   When fans realized that there was no “American flag for America’s team,” they set up defiant squawks that caught the attention of team brass.

   On Thanksgiving Day, as the Cowboys shellacked the Oakland Raiders on the field, Old Glory was hanging from the rafters in both end zones, and the place was alive with movement, color and excitement.…

   CPR training or not, this wonder of the sports world takes the breath away.

   Everyone should see it. If the thought of donning football pads or band uniforms doesn’t compute, maybe you can sign up for CPR training.

   Coming to mind is the story of the leather-lunged Texan, on a crowded airplane. Nudging the man next to him, he asked, “Where you from, son?” The man answered “Chicago.” The Texan, acknowledging the “great lakes up there,” boasted that if we “had the great lakes in the Metroplex, it’d be a whole lot bigger’n Chicago.” The vexed “victim” had the last word, suggesting: “Why don’t you move them?”

   Admitting that he didn’t know how to get the job done, the Texan was instructed to “get a giant straw.” A giant straw? The Chicagoan ended the conversation with this rejoinder: “Put one end of the straw in Lake Michigan, and the other end in the Metroplex. If you can suck half as hard as you can blow, you’ll have ‘em there in 30 minutes.”…

   Dr. Newbury is a speaker and author in the Metroplex. Send inquiries/comments to newbury@speakerdoc.com.